7.

As the drinking party came to an end, Gao Xi and the others left early, leaving Song Chengshu and me alone at the bar.

Song Chengshu had drunk too much and was already in a daze. Because I was sick, he didn’t let me drink much, which led to the scene of him clinging to me and mumbling incoherently.

I sat on the sofa, opened a bottle of beer for myself, and poured half a glass, sipping it slowly. Song Chengshu, with his eyes unfocused, dozed off next to me. He woke up briefly, leaned closer to me, and then continued sleeping while hugging me.

Looking at Song Chengshu resting on my shoulder, my mind was filled with images of kissing him.

But no matter how many times I rehearsed it in my head, I still lacked the courage to lean down and kiss him.

“Wen Li… you’re still here…” his lazy voice drifted by my ear. I finished my half glass of beer, poured another, and replied softly, “I’m keeping you company.”

I glanced at the cigarettes on the table and suddenly felt an urge to smoke one to ease my inner restlessness and repression.

Song Chengshu seemed not to have heard what I said. He hugged me tighter and slurred drunkenly, “Wen Li, let me tell you… these love letters… I’ve gotten so used to receiving them over the years. If they suddenly stopped coming one day, I’d be upset…”

I couldn’t quite understand how someone could become addicted to receiving love letters. I couldn’t resist and lit a cigarette. After just two puffs, I started coughing, my throat burning. I took a sip of beer and asked him lazily, “Why would you feel upset? They’re just sending you love letters. You’ve never been together. Maybe one day when you start dating someone, they’ll stop sending them.”

He seemed to hear this clearly and sobered up a bit to reply, “But they’ve been sending them for so long. I can’t bring myself to date anyone else. I’m just curious about who this person is. They’ve been sending letters for years, yet I don’t have a single clue about them…”

I extinguished the cigarette and helped him up, giving him a gentle smile. “Why care so much about love letters? Could you really fall for someone just because of them?”

“Well… didn’t I say before…” Song Chengshu swayed as he walked. I supported him and headed towards the exit, grabbing his hand. “Be careful. I’ll take you home.” I opened my phone to call a car and asked Song Chengshu, “My place or yours?”

“Mine… mine…” he mumbled. With files in one hand and supporting him with the other, I managed to book a car with great effort.

 

8.

After taking Song Chengshu home and settling him in, he finally fell into a peaceful sleep.

I prepared to leave, but as I looked back at Song Chengshu one last time, I felt a vague sadness creeping in.

After leaving Song Chengshu’s home, I decided to walk back since we didn’t live too far apart, just two or three kilometers. I mainly wanted to take a stroll.

Halfway through, heavy snow began to fall again. Large, feather-like snowflakes drifted down leisurely. I clutched the documents to my chest but couldn’t withstand the cold and ended up calling a ride-share to get home.

My circumstances aren’t as good as Song Chengshu’s. He comes from a well-off family and has his own company now, with a car and a house. I’ve only managed to buy a house outright. My parents passed away early, and my grandfather raised me. He passed away last year too.

Now I live alone, and Song Chengshu is probably the closest person to me.

He takes care of me daily, though perhaps not as much as I do for him. After all, I’m the one who likes him!

In the next few years, I plan to save up and buy a car. That’s how I’ll live.

Song Chengshu said before that if he couldn’t find the person sending him love letters, he wouldn’t look for a partner. Because of that, I’m prepared to keep sending them for another eight or ten years. It’s a bit selfish, but at least I won’t be heartbroken seeing him holding someone else’s hand.

I’ve always thought Song Chengshu was stubborn. If he can’t find the person, why obsess over it?

I know I’m too shameless.

I know.

 

9.

Since recovering from my cold, I’ve been coughing continuously for a whole month. My stomach aches every day from coughing.

But work has been too busy for me to find time to visit the hospital.

On Christmas Day, I made plans to have dinner with Song Chengshu. He agreed. I thought I only had a bit of work left, so I hurried to finish it before our meeting.

I submitted my files in the last minute before clocking out. As I picked up my bag and was about to leave, Manager Wang appeared in front of me with a complicated expression, holding another file. I felt a headache coming on.

“Wen Li, this is a project Xiao Xi did a few days ago. The client wasn’t satisfied and insists we find and fix the problems ourselves. Xiao Xi is on sick leave with severe flu. Could you work overtime and help revise it?” Manager Wang tossed the file onto my desk, washing his hands of the matter.

Another cleanup job dumped on me.

Although there’s a bonus, I really didn’t want to take on this project today.

I pushed the file away and said dryly, forcing a smile, “Manager Wang, it’s not that I’m unwilling, but I really have plans tonight. I can’t take this on. Maybe see if someone else is free to start, and I’ll follow up later.”

But Manager Wang pointed at a group of people and said, “They all have their own year-end matters to attend to. Besides, aren’t you done with your work? If you’re done, help share the load. You know how busy it gets at year-end. The client needs this proposal by tomorrow afternoon. Figure it out yourself!”

He turned his back and returned to his office, leaving the file lying lonely on my desk. I was stuck, unable to leave or stay.

After three minutes of internal struggle, I reluctantly put down my bag and sat back down.

Looking at the flawed proposal in my hands, I rolled my eyes several times, silently criticizing Xiao Xi as a typical dumb beauty. She was quite pretty, but after three years in the company, she hadn’t made any progress.

I went to get some hot water and reopened my computer to start revising the proposal.

I lost track of time as I worked, completely forgetting about my dinner plans with Song Chengshu. If he hadn’t called, I probably would have finished the document and gone to bed without remembering.

His call startled me back to reality. Seeing his name on the screen, I suddenly recalled our dinner plans.

As soon as I answered, he asked, “Wen Li, have you arrived? It’s been an hour. Did something happen?”

I leaned back in my chair, sighing, and replied apologetically, “I’m sorry, Song Chengshu. I got held up with overtime work. I’m still at the office. Why don’t you go home? We can reschedule for Spring Festival.” I added, “Merry Christmas. I’ll make it up to you with a gift later.”

He seemed a bit impatient. I wasn’t sure if he was angry about my last-minute cancellation, but I felt helpless. He didn’t respond and just hung up.

I held my phone, listening to the dial tone, feeling awful. I knew Song Chengshu disliked being stood up, even if it was just a slight delay.

It was my fault for forgetting to inform him earlier while I was busy with the proposal.

I couldn’t go find him immediately, so I continued working, planning to apologize in person tomorrow.

 

10.

To my surprise, Song Chengshu showed up at my company.

I was still focused on the proposal when a large plastic bag suddenly appeared on my desk. I looked up to see Song Chengshu smiling crookedly at me. Surprised, I said, “Song Chengshu, why are you here?”

He took out several food containers from the bag and placed them in front of me.

“I knew you hadn’t eaten. Your boss has a bad habit of making employees work overtime.”

I just smiled silently and opened the containers, finding them full of delicious food.

“Seafood dry pot! I can’t believe you got a table at that restaurant tonight,” I said excitedly. It was a seafood hotpot restaurant we often visited, famous for its dry pot, which was usually hard to get. He proudly handed me chopsticks, winking as he said, “Don’t you know who I am? There’s nothing I can’t get if I want it.”

We sat there, using the container lids as plates, and started eating with relish. I glanced at my computer and said regretfully, “Ah, I was supposed to treat you to dinner for Christmas. Now look at us, spending the holiday so miserably.”

He started criticizing my company on my behalf.

“I’ve told you before to switch to my company. Look at this awful place, always making you work overtime. If I remember correctly, they only give commissions, not overtime pay, right?”

I shrugged in agreement, then peeled a plate of shrimp and passed it to him. He suddenly grabbed my hand.

“Hey, Wen Li, why don’t you come work at my company after the New Year? I’ll give you all the benefits, and you’ll never have to work overtime. Don’t suffer here anymore. Isn’t sharing the good life what friends are for?”

Sometimes I think he’s quite mature, and other times I find him rather childish.

“Come on, we’re not even in the same field. I do engineering, you do software. What would I do there?” I shook my head.

But he teased, “Just sit around! Or you could be my accounting secretary, just do some calculations.”

I knew he hated seeing me work so hard here. After all, among our friends, I was struggling the most.

But I love engineering. It’s stable and pays well. I don’t want to use connections, and I’ve never thought about slacking off just because I have well-off friends.

“Song Chengshu, I appreciate your kindness, but I don’t want to waste my talent and expertise. You know this is my only skill. If I don’t do this, I’d feel useless…” I said pessimistically.

He interrupted me, “Hey! Don’t say that in front of me. My friend is always the best. I just thought if you changed jobs, we could hang out anytime. With your current workload, you’re either on business trips or working overtime. You’ll wear yourself out eventually.”

Despite his words, I had no intention of quitting to join his company. Quietly doing my own work is best.

At least I need to shine on my own and build a career to deserve to continue to like him. He’s so outstanding; if I don’t work hard, I won’t even qualify to write him love letters.

Even if he doesn’t know, I must persevere.

If one day he changes his mind and realizes liking boys isn’t a bad choice, maybe I’ll have a chance.

As I ate, I earnestly told Song Chengshu, “Song Chengshu, I’m fine. Look how young I am. This is the time to work hard. I’m strong enough! Don’t worry about me. I’m doing well!”

I peeled the last shrimp and bravely fed it to him. He stared at me, frozen for a while before finally chewing and swallowing.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He just chuckled and replied, “Nothing. Just not used to being fed like that. Feels like having a girlfriend.”

I cleaned up the table and walked to the trash bin to throw away the garbage, teasing him, “I think you need to find a partner.”

“I want to, but I haven’t met anyone who really moves my heart,” he answered frankly, not mentioning the love letters.

I sat down and smiled at him.

“How about me? Do I move your heart?”

He looked at me for a moment, then said mischievously, “If you were a girl, you probably would.”

I rolled my eyes at him and went back to my work.

 

11.

That night, Song Chengshu stayed with me until I finished revising the proposal, until after eleven.

I put down the files, turned off the computer, and stretched. Only then did I notice Song Chengshu beside me. He had fallen asleep at some point, occasionally smacking his lips.

I raised my hand and gently caressed his face. Such a handsome face.

Song Chengshu has very masculine features, a striking type of handsome with thick eyebrows and large eyes. When he smiles, he exudes confidence, but when quiet, he appears cool and aloof.

Compared to him, I look much more delicate. Unlike his imposing manliness, I resemble an eternal eighteen-year-old. He often says I’ve taken anti-aging pills, that at twenty-six, I could pass for a high school student in uniform.

As I leaned closer to him, I caught a faint scent of cologne, a fresh citrus fragrance. I wanted to kiss him, but just as I moved closer, another coughing fit overtook me, impossible to suppress

I covered my mouth and stood up, bending over as I coughed violently. The noise woke him up.

Seeing me cough so severely, he handed me some hot water. I took a few sips as he patted my back and asked, “Wen Li, why are you coughing again? It’s been almost a month, hasn’t it?”

It had been not just a month, but nearly two months, actually, though he’d only heard about it for half a month.

I felt I might need to get checked at the hospital. But I just waved my hand dismissively and said, “It’s nothing. Just choked on my saliva. Hasn’t that happened to you before?”

“It has, actually.”

“See? It’s fine. Let’s go. I’m done here. Time to head home and sleep.” I put on my coat and walked ahead. He seemed not to move, so I turned back and found him looking at me with a strange expression.

The light was dim, so I couldn’t see clearly or fully interpret the meaning in his eyes. I just called out to him.

“Hey! What are you standing there for? Let’s go!”

He nodded, picked up his scarf, and followed me.

 

12.

Song Chengshu and I left the office building together. He drove here and offered to take me home. I waited by the roadside while he went to fetch his car from the parking lot.

Christmas Eve had passed so uneventfully. I felt a bit lonely, but thinking about how Song Chengshu had spent it with me brought a warm feeling.

Light snow was falling tonight, with no sign of stopping. A thin layer of snow covered the gray cement pavement. The streetlights cast a soft, pleasant glow on the scene.

I tucked my scarf tighter around my neck. A gust of cold wind triggered another coughing fit. I coughed violently for a few moments, feeling a sense of suffocation I had never experienced before.

I sighed, wondering what was wrong with me and why I was coughing so severely.

I planned to visit the hospital for a check-up after the New Year when things quieted down. There wasn’t much time lately; once Christmas passed, the year would soon end, and before we know it, it will be the Spring Festival.

Song Chengshu pulled up in front of me and rolled down the window, calling out, “Wen Li, get in! Let’s go for a drive!”

I got into the passenger seat and fastened my seatbelt. Song Chengshu rolled the window back up. Through the windshield, I watched the small snowflakes dancing in the streetlights and said softly, “Song Chengshu, this year is almost over. Do you have any wishes?”

Song Chengshu turned the steering wheel and replied, “What wish could I have? Maybe to find a partner soon?”

I turned to look at him. “That’s doable. Why don’t you start looking? If nothing else, the girls at our company are quite pretty. Want me to introduce you to one?”

Song Chengshu smiled faintly at me. “Really? Are there any good cooks? I want someone good at cooking.”

I shook my head. “How would I know about their cooking? I just think the girls at our company have nice personalities and are suitable for dating and marriage.”

I was just teasing, of course. If he actually found a partner, I feared I might break down and cry in front of him. Though it’s not very manly for a guy to cry, I could at least cry for him once. The thought seemed oddly comforting.

But Song Chengshu took it seriously, saying enthusiastically, “Alright then, introduce me to someone after the New Year. I’ll give it a try.”

I froze, the smile vanishing from my face as I stared at him stiffly. He noticed my mood change and seemed confused at first, then quickly put on a smile again.

“What are you thinking? I’m just kidding. I’m more interested in the girl who’s been writing me love letters. If I were to make a wish, it would be to be with her.”

Me: “…”

He really couldn’t forget about the person writing him love letters. Although he didn’t know it was me, the fact that he’d been thinking about this letter writer all these years – could it be interpreted as him having me in his heart all along?

I know it might be shameless to think this way, but I can’t help it.

How could I have the courage to confess my feelings to him? I want to stay close to him for a lifetime, even if only as friends. I’ve long been content with that.

“Oh, right, Wen Li. We’ve known each other for so many years, but I’ve never heard you talk about liking any girls! Do you have someone you like?” Song Chengshu suddenly asked, snapping me out of my daze. His question caught me off guard, making my heart race like a startled rabbit. I forced a calm expression.

“No, there’s no one suitable. I’m still young, I’ll meet someone eventually.”

“That won’t do! You’re half a year older than me. You should be handing out wedding candies before me!” Song Chengshu continued to tease. I felt a pang of displeasure and sighed, lowering my head.

“Love isn’t something you can force. It’s best to be with someone you truly love. That’s real happiness.”

Song Chengshu nodded in agreement. “True. Being with someone you don’t love must be painful too.”

Song Chengshu was half right.

Being with someone you don’t love is painful; having someone in your heart but being unable to be with them is even more painful.

I’ve been in pain for many years now.

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