21.
Ever since I learned about my terminal illness, I’ve been living each day with exquisite care.
Knowing I’ll be leaving soon, I feel like everything I do now will reset to zero. So I might as well just focus on what makes me happy.
I’m busy writing the remaining love letters for Song Chengshu, aiming to finish a full year’s worth. Then I’ll make a trip to the post office and arrange for them to be mailed to him periodically. It’s my final wish, in a way.
I’ve calculated the time – I still need to write nearly two hundred letters. But as I slip each one into an envelope, I can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing.
Song Chengshu used to say I reminded him of a certain flower. When I asked which one, he said iris.
At the time, I didn’t understand why he thought I was like an iris. It was only later, after learning about the flower, that I realized how right he was.
Because of that offhand comment, I’ve always wanted to grow some irises for myself. But work kept me too busy to fulfill that small wish.
Well, this year I’ll finally do it.
22
A few days later, I called Song Chengshu. He was in City A, wrapping up his final project.
I called him in the evening after seeing the photo of his computer he’d posted on WeChat Moments, captioned “Overtime.”
When he answered, his voice was tinged with fatigue, “Hey, Wen Li.”
For the first time, I didn’t know how to interact with him. No matter what I said, it felt like a goodbye. Pushing down the ache in my heart, I forced a smile into my voice and asked, “Still working late? When will you be done?”
Song Chengshu yawned. “Soon. Probably another three or four days, then I should be back.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Not yet,” he denied. “Too busy to eat.”
I smiled bitterly to myself. “Give me your address. I’ll order some takeout for you.”
“Order me food? Why are you always so good to me, Wen Li?” Song Chengshu teased. My heart fluttered, and I countered, “I could ask you the same thing! Why are you always so good to me?”
“Ha! After eight or nine years, you’re practically family,” Song Chengshu said.
Family… Does that mean he’d be sad if I died?
Song Chengshu yawned again and asked, “Did you call because you needed something? Go ahead, tell me.”
I was surprised. “How did you know I needed something?”
Song Chengshu chuckled lazily, “Come on, don’t I know you well enough by now?”
He’s right. Song Chengshu does know me well, and I know him just as well.
I thought for a moment before speaking, “Well, since I’ve had some free time after the New Year, I was wondering if you could ask that friend of yours who’s good with flowers if he could help me get an iris to grow.”
“Growing flowers? Why an iris? Is it because I said you were like one?” Song Chengshu’s bright, magnetic voice always captivated my attention.
“Yes, it’s because you said I was like it, so I wanted to try growing one.”
“Do you know why I said you were like an iris?” Song Chengshu asked.
I admitted I really didn’t know.
Song Chengshu patiently explained, “It’s because I’ve always felt irises look a bit melancholic, and in my eyes, you have that same melancholic air. So whenever I see you, I’m reminded of irises.”
So that’s why. I look… melancholic?
Is it because my face seems too serene?
Even at a time like this, I can still genuinely smile because of Song Chengshu.
Thank you, Song Chengshu.
He probably doesn’t know the symbolic meaning of irises.
“Song Chengshu, could you… ask about that for me?”
Song Chengshu agreed wholeheartedly.
“Sure! I’ll ask tomorrow. But irises usually bloom around April, so you might have to wait until then to get one.”
“That’s alright. April… I can wait that long,” I said softly.
As long as it’s not after June, I can wait.
After hanging up, I remembered to ask Song Chengshu for his address, then ordered some takeout for him. He sent a delighted emoji, and I smiled.
Smiling turned to tears.
For the first time since learning I was dying, I felt like crying.
Because I didn’t want to leave Song Chengshu.
23.
Some time later, Song Chengshu returned from his trip.
The Spring Festival was approaching.
Since we’d agreed to spend the New Year at Song Chengshu’s place, we bought all the festival goods and brought them to his home.
Gao Xi and the others finished their work and arrived at Song Chengshu’s on New Year’s Eve.
Around noon on New Year’s Eve, I received a message from my overseas friend, Qi An.
“Wen Li, I’m moving back to China to work after the New Year. Are you excited?”
For me, this was probably the best news I’d received in a while.
Finally, a true confidant was coming back to keep me company.
I replied immediately.
“Excited! Of course I’m excited. When you’re back, I’ll treat you to a feast!”
Qi An sent another message.
“You’d better be ready when I return. I’m going to bleed you dry!”
Even that sounds good. I’m looking forward to Qi An’s return.
If he’s moving back for work, I could pass on the remaining letters to him, asking him to mail them to Song Chengshu on schedule, using the same address as before. Though… it probably doesn’t matter if Song Chengshu knows or not at this point.
Later, Bai Tao and Su Jingxiao also arrived at Song Chengshu’s place.
We planned to make dumplings in the evening, then prepare some vegetables, and have hotpot for dinner.
My cough has been getting worse lately. Almost every time I coughed, there was blood. What used to be just blood streaks had become full-on pain throughout my chest with each cough, and the phlegm I coughed up was now mostly red.
To avoid Song Chengshu’s suspicion, I specifically got some medicine, thinking I’d take it to at least keep him from suspecting anything.
The atmosphere was lively throughout the afternoon.
Bai Tao and Su Jingxiao were debating which dumpling fillings would be tastiest, while Gao Xi was figuring out the best way to cut the vegetables. I was in charge of making the dumplings, as they’d seen how beautifully I could shape them before.
“Wen Li, there’s only four of us eating, so just make a few dozen dumplings. Don’t make too many, we’ll have other things to eat tonight,” Song Chengshu said, standing in the kitchen.
“I know. Check out the new shapes I’ve learned to fold the dumplings!”
“Look at our Wen Li, the perfect husband material! If he gets a girlfriend in the future, he’s going to spoil her rotten!” Gao Xi always liked to tease us. It used to bother me, since I like men and it seemed unfriendly to women, but today I’ll let it slide. As long as everyone’s happy.
Bai Tao chimed in, “Who says it has to be a girlfriend? I think a gentle guy like our Wen Li would do well with a boyfriend too!”
“Don’t you think, Wen Li?” Bai Tao pointed at me. I looked at him awkwardly and buried my head in making dumplings. A hand landed on my shoulder. I turned to see Song Chengshu, who swatted Bai Tao playfully.
“You guys, always trying to turn people gay! Our Wen Li is straight as an arrow. He was even trying to set me up with girls recently!”
“That was him setting you up, not looking for himself!” Bai Tao tried to argue. Song Chengshu rolled his eyes at him, then turned to me.
“Don’t mind Bai Tao’s nonsense. He’s just joking around.”
How could I mind? I wish I could tell you how much I like you!
I lowered my eyes and forced a smile. “I don’t mind.”
“See? Our Wen Li is so open-minded!” Song Chengshu reached out and actually stroked my face. His intimate gesture made me nervous. I subtly adjusted my position, making sure Song Chengshu hadn’t noticed, before continuing with the dumplings.
24.
Later, I finished the dumplings. Song Chengshu brought the prepared hotpot broth to the table. Gao Xi and the others arranged the cut vegetables on small plates. We sat down together as the Spring Festival Gala was just starting.
“Come on, let’s have a toast before we eat!” Gao Xi poured fruit wine for us. Bubbles floated to the surface, occasionally making soft popping sounds. We raised our glasses and shouted together, “Cheers!”
We spent the rest of the time eating, drinking, and chatting happily. Only I felt a hidden sadness amidst the joy, wondering how many more times I’d get to enjoy this atmosphere.
I only managed a few bites before I started coughing again. The broth was too spicy. I leaned over the table, head down, coughing hard. Seeing my condition, Song Chengshu immediately poured me a cup of hot water, patted my back, and asked, “Wen Li, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
I knew it was due to my worsening condition, but I drank the water and forced a smile, making an excuse.
“The broth is a bit spicy. It went down the wrong way.”
Song Chengshu sighed, grabbed another bowl, rinsed some vegetables in it, poured some hot water to wash off the spicy oil, then put them in my bowl, saying, “If you can’t handle spicy food, we should have made some plain broth for you. How did I forget about that?”
“Wen Li, eat these instead. I’m sorry I didn’t buy any plain broth.” Song Chengshu smiled apologetically. I picked up the bland vegetables and put them in my mouth. The urge to cough lessened, but I still wanted to cough. My chest hurt with each dry cough.
I tried hard to suppress the cough, forcing down the now tasteless vegetables, and said to Song Chengshu reassuringly, “It’s fine. I’ll eat it like this.”
25.
After dinner, Gao Xi and the others were mostly drunk. Su Jingxiao, the only one somewhat sober, helped Gao Xi and Bai Tao to the guest rooms before bidding us goodnight and retiring to another guest room himself.
While Song Chengshu was in the bathroom, I quickly took my medicine, cradling a cup of steaming hot water as I made my way to the balcony.
Song Chengshu’s balcony was divided into two sections, separated by a sliding glass door. The outer balcony, about five meters long and enclosed by iron railings, was on a high floor – perfect for enjoying the view.
I stood there, holding my cup and letting the cool breeze wash over me. Fireworks burst across the sky, painting a peaceful scene. Once again, exhaustion crept into my heart.
A blanket draped over my shoulders. I turned to see Song Chengshu adjusting it, smiling as he asked, “Why are you out here so late? It’s cold outside.”
I took a sip of water, gazing at the distant fireworks. “It was stuffy inside. I wanted some time alone.”
“What’s wrong? Something on your mind?”
His question made my heart skip a beat, my body tensing slightly. Suddenly, I found myself speaking. “Song Chengshu, can I ask you something?”
He leaned against the railing, looking at me curiously. “What is it?”
I hesitated briefly, but after careful consideration, I decided to ask. Otherwise, I’d always regret it.
“Tell me, if I died one day, how would you react?”
After posing this question, I pretended to be nonchalant as I looked at him. Song Chengshu’s gaze lingered on my face for a moment before he took the cup from my hands, drank from it without hesitation, and quipped, “What a morbid question for the New Year!”
I raised an eyebrow in protest. “It’s just hypothetical. But really, would you be sad if I died?”
Song Chengshu gently elbowed my arm, smirking. “Isn’t that obvious? Of course I’d be sad. You’re the most important among all my friends!”
“Is that so? What a coincidence, you’re my favorite friend too!” I chimed in.
Song Chengshu stretched smugly. “How honored I am! And you like me the most!”
Hearing the word “like” made me suddenly nervous and shy. The meaning behind our words wasn’t the same, but I was content enough.
I asked him, “Song Chengshu, tell me, do you love me?”
Song Chengshu, oblivious as ever, followed the flow of conversation, assuming I meant the platonic love between friends. He raised his fist towards mine. I mimicked the gesture, our knuckles meeting as he said, “I love you! Brothers for life!” He looked at me reproachfully. “So don’t ever talk about dying again. Why die when you’re perfectly fine?”
Of course, I knew perfectly well that talking about dying out of the blue was unnecessary, but I… I was going to die soon.
I only had less than a year left to accompany Song Chengshu. I hoped he wouldn’t be sad after I was gone, that he could continue to be happy.
Rather than him remembering me forever, I’d prefer if he forgot me in the latter half of his life. It would be best if he forgot me completely.
The wind picked up. As Song Chengshu continued admiring the fireworks, I whispered into the wind, “I love you, Song Chengshu.”
We had originally planned to set off fireworks tonight, but the temperature was unbearably low. After just a few minutes outside, my whole body felt numb. Being of slight build, I couldn’t endure it any longer. I went back inside, wrapped in the blanket.
Song Chengshu followed close behind.
I put the blanket back on the bed and looked up at him. “Song Chengshu, can I sleep with you tonight? The guest room you arranged for me is a bit cold. Plus, I can’t sleep. Keep me company for a while?”
Song Chengshu agreed without hesitation. He jumped onto the bed, pulled back the covers for me, and patted the space beside him. “Come on, wifey!”
I was taking off my shoes when my body froze. I looked at him seriously, my eyes flickering. “What… what did you just call me?”
“Nothing, just teasing you!” Song Chengshu leaned back against the headboard and started watching a movie on his tablet. I scooted closer. “What are you watching?”
“A comedy. Let’s watch together.” He put the tablet between us. We sat quietly side by side, listening to the movie’s background music. He focused intently on the screen, but my thoughts were all on him.
My peripheral vision never strayed from him even for a moment.
I wondered what I should write in my next love letter, searching for touching, grand words to express my inner turmoil and love.
But the more these feelings built up, the harder they became to express.
I just stared at his face, my mind traveling thousands of light-years. I thought if I immersed myself deeply enough, my illness would become unreal, all my bittersweet unrequited love would see the light of day. Maybe I’d even see his welcoming smile, perhaps he’d open his arms and say we should be together. That would be nice, so nice.
Halfway through the movie, I started crying.
My tears slid down my cheeks and chin, finally falling onto Song Chengshu’s shoulder. Thankfully, he was wearing a sweater and didn’t feel that scalding teardrop, burning with passion.
How strange. I thought I had calmly accepted the fact that I didn’t have long to live.
I remember being unusually quiet that day. I didn’t cry; I thought I was mature and strong enough. But at this moment, I could no longer suppress my emotions. Tears began to pour down my face like heavy rain.
I felt so sad, so heartbroken.
Was this really as far as I could go with Song Chengshu? Was this where my love had to end? I didn’t want to believe it. I was already pitiful enough, yet fate still refused to spare me.
I sniffled, then quickly turned away and covered my mouth and nose, realizing the sound might draw Song Chengshu’s attention.
But he didn’t react. I looked back and saw that he had fallen asleep. The movie played on, his soft breathing echoing in my ears. I could no longer hold back. Facing him, I broke down in silent sobs.
Should I tell him?
Should I confess that I’ve loved him for eight years?
I felt so conflicted, so torn, so struggling.
In this long journey of unrequited love, I ended up with an answer that wasn’t an answer at all.
Carefully, I sat beside Song Chengshu. With tears in my eyes, for the first time, I mustered the courage to place a kiss on his cheek.
Afraid he might wake, the kiss was feather-light. I tasted only my own bitter tears. He was like a star beyond my reach – I dared not touch him again.
I leaned against his chest, pretending we were passionate lovers or a long-time couple, pretending my tears were from overwhelming happiness.
I was born with a fiery heart, an endless blaze in fate’s wilderness.
26.
The New Year passed quickly. I stayed at Song Chengshu’s place for three days, until I received a call from Qi An saying he’d be back in two days and asking me to pick him up at the airport.
So I was the first to leave Song Chengshu’s home.
The four of them were still playing mahjong when I left. I went home early to clean the house thoroughly, then went out to buy some groceries, snacks, and drinks, thinking Qi An would surely come over and I should be prepared to host him.
I picked him up at the airport the next morning. He was wearing a black trench coat and pulling a suitcase. From a distance, he ran towards me, shouting, “Wen Li! Long time no see!”
He hugged me forcefully, nearly knocking me over.
“How is it? Cold?” I asked. Qi An shook his head, “It’s fine, I’m quite resistant to cold.”
“Wen Li, let’s go to your place first! My apartment hasn’t been cleaned yet. I’ll find a cleaning service to tidy it up before I go back,” Qi An said to me. I agreed, drawling, “Alright, let’s go to my place then. I’ll cook something nice for you tonight.”
“Yes, yes, yes! I haven’t been back for two or three years, I’ve missed your cooking!” Qi An put his arm around me. Laughing and chatting, we got into a taxi and headed towards my home.
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