27.

I brought Qi An back to my place. He tossed his suitcase aside and flopped onto the sofa, grabbing the remote to adjust the air conditioning temperature. As he fiddled with it, he complained, “Why is it so cold in here? Didn’t you turn on the heating this year?”

I poured Qi An a cup of hot water. “I did, but the heating’s not working well this year. That’s why we have the air conditioner. Let’s make do with it for now.”

“Ah! I’m telling you, you really need to move to a new place!” Qi An sighed.

I went to the fridge to take out some vegetables and meat, then asked him, “What do you want to eat? I’ll cook for you.”

Qi An flashed me a roguish grin and raised an eyebrow. “The usual. You know what I like.”

I did know. His “usual” was my braised pork ribs. Qi An loved my braised pork ribs the most.

We’d known each other for a long time, hanging out together since our school days. Whenever he came over, I’d cook all sorts of delicious dishes for him. Qi An knew my cooking skills were always on point, and he especially adored my pork ribs.

As I moved back and forth between the dining room and kitchen with the ingredients, I noticed him wandering around my apartment. I didn’t pay much attention, assuming he was just bored since it had been a while since his last visit.

He went into my bedroom, but I continued with my tasks without giving it much thought.

When he came back out, I glanced at him before returning to the kitchen, calling out, “Qi An, go wash your hands. I’m almost done here. Get ready to eat.”

As I was adding seasonings to the pot, I heard a deep, somber voice call out, “Wen Li.”

I turned around. He was staring at me with an accusing look. I finished adding the seasoning, grabbed a cloth, and walked out, wiping the table as I asked, “What’s wrong?”

I hadn’t considered one thing: that he’d discovered my medical reports. Since I lived alone, I didn’t think I needed to hide anything, so I’d just tossed them into a drawer and hadn’t opened it since.

It wasn’t until Qi An confronted me with the two reports that I realized what had happened.

“Wen Li, tell me, what’s going on with your illness?”

I froze, clutching the cloth tightly in my hand. My whole world seemed to crumble.

I had never intended to tell anyone about my lung cancer, but now Qi An was the first to find out. I racked my brain, trying to come up with a believable lie to tell him.

I looked up with a faint smile. “It’s nothing, it’s benign and can be cured.”

“Wen Li!” Qi An walked up to me with the reports, his expression darkening. “Do you really think I can’t understand these? Were you planning to never tell me about your illness if I hadn’t found out?”

I suddenly realized how clumsy my lie was. Qi An knew me too well; how could he not see through my deception?

I took the reports from his hand and placed them on the dining table, pulling out two chairs for us to sit. I poured him a glass of water, unsure how to begin.

“Tell me, what’s really going on with your condition? When did you find out? Why did you suddenly get this disease?” He fired three questions at me, but apart from the second one, I couldn’t answer any of them.

How could an illness be sudden?

I had simply ignored my body, always thinking there was nothing wrong until it became serious. By then, it was too late.

I spoke softly to Qi An, “I was diagnosed a month ago. I didn’t ask about the cause. Anyway, I don’t have long to live with this illness, so it doesn’t matter.”

“What do you mean? How did it get this severe?” Panic spread across Qi An’s face. “Then… how much time do you have left?”

I replied, “With treatment, a year at most. Without it, less than six months.”

This was truly devastating news for Qi An.

We hadn’t seen each other for nearly three years, and now that he was finally back, I was going to leave him forever.

Qi An held my hand, his eyes gradually moistening. He looked at me intently, his voice trembling.

“Wen Li, is there really no other way? Even with treatment, how can one year be enough? We promised to be lifelong friends…” He paused, then hurried to my bedroom. Before I could react, he returned carrying the box where I kept my love letters, placing it heavily on the table. Pointing at the letters, both finished and unfinished, he asked, “What about these? You still haven’t confessed to Song Chengshu? I remember you started liking him in high school. It’s been so many years. Won’t you regret it if you die without telling him?”

I picked up an envelope with dried iris petals attached to it. It was one of the many letters I had finished, all tucked away in the box.

I had said I would write enough for a year.

I shook my head. “I won’t tell him. He doesn’t like men. If I confess, we might fall out. I want to spend my final days happily. I don’t want to create any unpleasantness.”

“So you’re saying even Song Chengshu doesn’t know about your illness? You haven’t told him?” Qi An seemed indignant on my behalf. “Wen Li, why are you doing this to yourself? You’ve been his friend for eight years, and now you’re hiding your death from him. What’s the point?”

What was the point?

There was no point.

I knew the answer better than anyone. My love for Song Chengshu was one-sided. I loved him, but I couldn’t blame him for not knowing.

Perhaps it’s fate, an inevitable disaster I can’t escape.

If I couldn’t overcome it, it was my weakness. If my love remained unrequited, it was my fate.

It was then that I realized I had somehow come to terms with my feelings for Song Chengshu.

“Qi An, I don’t want Song Chengshu to know because my affection would only be a bother to him. Even if he knew about my illness, what could he do? It can’t be cured. He’d only feel sad for me, and it wouldn’t change anything. Besides, I don’t want him to see me at my weakest. I want him to remember me as the spirited young man I once was.” I gripped Qi An’s hand tightly as I spoke, and his eyes were full of sympathy.

Qi An had always told me to give up on this love, that it was fruitless.

But I had tried, tried to let go. Yet it seems that for someone you can’t have, no matter how long you love them, you still feel nervous, excited, and reluctant to let go.

Because I never had him, I was determined to keep loving him. Even if it meant loving in the dark.

After a long silence, Qi An hugged me. His hand gently patted my back as he spoke with a trembling voice, “Wen Li, I respect all your choices, but seeing you like this, I feel so helpless. If you decide to get treatment and need money, I’ll provide it. No matter what, I’m willing to be by your side.”

I’ve always believed that friendship isn’t about quantity, but quality. Although I don’t have many friends, having Qi An is enough to last a lifetime.

I asked softly, “I want to go out and travel. Will you come with me?”

Qi An looked bewildered. “You’re… not getting treatment?”

I nodded. “I’ve made up my mind. Rather than lying in a hospital bed to extend my life by half a year, I’d rather spend the limited time I have left doing things I want to do.”

Qi An agreed with me and asked, “So where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere is fine. Let’s travel for a few months and see what happens after that,” I replied.

Seeing my calm response, he seemed to have no more concerns. After a moment’s thought, he hugged me tightly and said resolutely, “Alright. I’ll postpone my work and travel with you. Whatever you want to do, let’s do it!”

“Thank you, Qi An!” I raised my fist for a fist bump.

He sniffled, bumped my fist, and mock-complained, “Come on, no need to be so formal with me.”

Qi An finally managed a smile, though his eyes were still moist.

 

28.

After agreeing on our travel plans, Qi An and I created an itinerary together, highlighting places I’d always wanted to visit but never had the chance to.

Once everything was planned, I submitted my resignation to the company.

I remember the day I went to submit my resignation letter, Manager Wang looked at me in utter disbelief. He must have thought I’d lost my mind.

“Wen Li, what… Your career is on the rise right now. Why this sudden decision to resign? Weren’t you doing well before the New Year?” Manager Wang took a sip of tea, asking me with obvious frustration.

I forced a smile and bowed to Manager Wang, saying, “Manager Wang, I’m really sorry. I… have something very important to do, I have no choice.”

“Hah! Tell me, what could be more important than your career that you must resign?” Manager Wang set down his cup, took my resignation letter, signed it, and said to me, “Resignation is one thing, but if you ever want to come back, you’re always welcome. Just finish handing over your work before you leave.”

I looked at the now-effective resignation letter on the desk. Despite feeling reluctant to leave this job, I knew I had to let it go.

This was my perfect farewell to this job.

I don’t want to die, but I know that when my time comes, I won’t be so panicked. I’m just using my rational mind and passionate heart to bid a sincere farewell to everything in this world – every matter, every object, every person.

I’ve loved this world enough. I’m a straightforward person.

 

29.

On the second day of my journey with Qi An, I received a phone call from Song Chengshu.

When I got the call, I was actually a bit nervous. I cautiously answered, and Song Chengshu’s voice came through cheerfully, “Wen Li, are you home? Come out!”

I was surprised. “Is something wrong?”

“I want to say goodbye. I’m going abroad for a new project and might be gone for a few months. I’m leaving tomorrow, so I wanted to see you today,” he said.

By this time, I was already in another city. I felt a bit of regret.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to say goodbye to Song Chengshu personally. I had planned to use the prospect of seeing him one last time as motivation, to see him when I returned.

But now I truly regretted it. I should have said goodbye to him. Mainly, when I left with Qi An, I couldn’t find a suitable reason to tell Song Chengshu about it.

I apologetically told Song Chengshu, “I’m sorry, Song Chengshu, I… I’m not at home.”

“Huh? You’re not home? Then, where are you? At the company? Should I come find you?!”

Was he planning to come to the company to find me?

That absolutely couldn’t happen. It would expose everything.

I instinctively responded with an anxious tone, “No! I’m not at the company either.” I paused before explaining, “Well, you see, I’m on a business trip. I’m out of town now! It was sudden, so I forgot to tell you.”

Hearing that I was on a business trip, he was clearly disappointed. He first said “Oh,” then followed with a dry laugh and asked, “So how long until you’re back from this trip?”

I continued lying, “The project’s quite long, I’m not sure yet.”

I didn’t understand why he seemed disappointed about not seeing me, and my heart started racing. As Song Chengshu was about to hang up, I blurted out, “Song Chengshu, will you miss me? I kind of miss you.”

Song Chengshu choked for a moment on the other end, probably stunned by my ambiguous words. I counted his silence: exactly 33 seconds before he spoke.

“Miss you? Of course, I’ll miss you. I miss you already.”

That was enough for me.

“Good, as long as you miss me.” I said, “Take care of yourself while working abroad. Stay safe.”

“You too. Take care of yourself,” Song Chengshu said, and I hung up.

Qi An was just knocking on my hotel room door. I opened it, and he said, “Let’s go eat. We’ll sleep later and go hiking tomorrow.”

I grabbed my room key and left with him. Hiking was my idea. He explained the precautions for hiking, which I half-listened to, my mind still on Song Chengshu’s words.

He said he’d miss me, that he missed me already.

If only I could sneeze right now, I’d feel at ease.

Lost in thought, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Qi An flicked my forehead, “Hey, are you listening to me?”

I snapped back to reality, looking at him languidly, and scratched my head.

“Sorry, I zoned out.”

Qi An looked at my expression and said, crossing his arms, “Thinking about Song Chengshu, right?”

“If you miss him so much, why didn’t you stay with him longer instead of coming on this trip?” Qi An asked me, exasperated. The answer was obvious, and I explained to Qi An.

“Loving him is one thing, but I can’t lose myself because of it.” I added, “Besides, he’s going abroad for work too. We won’t see each other for a while anyway. If I can hold on to see him one last time, maybe I’ll live a few days longer.”

My words became increasingly self-deprecating. Qi An sighed, and my phone rang with a message from Song Chengshu: Wen Li, I asked my friend about the iris flowers you mentioned. He said he could get me a few pots in May. I’ll bring them to you personally when I’m back.

I smiled contentedly and typed back: Thank you, Song Chengshu.

“What did he say now?” Qi An craned his neck to see my screen. I turned off my phone and pocketed it.

“Nothing much, just that he’s getting some flowers for me to grow.”

Qi An put his arm around my neck. “You’re the first person I’ve met who’s so optimistic with late-stage cancer.”

I smiled. “What else can I do? Should I mope around all day? You know I’m not that kind of person.”

Indeed, I’m not one to go around with a gloomy face. I don’t smile often, but I do love to smile. Song Chengshu told me my smile is quite nice and that I should smile more.

 

30.

Qi An and I traveled for a total of three months.

During this time, we went hiking, visited large amusement parks, tried various ethnic cuisines and costumes, experienced the customs of famous towns, and enjoyed scenery that seemed like paradise on earth, with green mountains, clear waters, and wildlife.

I saw another world beyond the smog-filled big cities, and I realized that loving this world is a magnificent thing.

Of course, traveling came at a cost, not just financially, but physically.

During these three months of travel, my health deteriorated day by day. I coughed more frequently than before, all dry coughs. Sometimes the pain in my lungs was severe, leaving me breathless. I needed oxygen and glucose, often sitting somewhere for a long time to recover.

Qi An bought me some oxygen tanks and glucose. We always kept them ready whenever we went out to have fun.

I started coughing up more blood, and the lung pain often kept me awake all night.

Qi An tirelessly took care of me.

He repeatedly suggested we go back home, saying I should get some treatment at the hospital to ease my suffering.

But we had already covered most of our itinerary, and I didn’t want to give up. If I gave up, I might never have the chance again.

So I pushed on for over three months, finishing our last stop before flying directly back to our home city.

This time, I didn’t feel as empty as before. Having visited so many places, I had fulfilled most of my wishes and had no regrets.

Upon our return, Qi An immediately dragged me to the hospital.

 

31.

After multiple examinations, the doctor’s response was that the deterioration was accelerating. The three months I had “wasted” directly affected the worsening of my tumor. It was already beyond help, and now it only hastened the process, bringing forward my death date.

I was forcibly admitted to the hospital.

Compared to my original calculation, I might have had three months left. But after this examination, the doctor’s conclusion was two months at most.

The tumor had reached a stage where even medication couldn’t control it.

I didn’t want chemotherapy as it would make my hair fall out, so I refused the doctor’s recommendation.

During my hospital stay, I relied on palliative drugs to suppress the suffering caused by lung cancer. I often lay alone on the hospital bed at night, coughing uncontrollably, my chest feeling as if it had been struck hard with a pendulum, gasping for air, suffocating, and in searing pain.

I didn’t know how long I had to endure this. I only knew that Song Chengshu was coming back soon, but I didn’t want him to see me in this state.

 

32.

Today I saw Song Chengshu’s social media post with a picture of him on a plane. The caption read: Heading home.

I knew he was coming back.

When Qi An brought me food in the afternoon, I told him I wanted to go home for a while.

Qi An asked why I wanted to go home. I just smiled and said I had something to entrust to him. Seeing my fading condition, he agreed.

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