33.

After rushing around for half the night, once the doctor finished rounds and left the room, Qi An snuck me out through the emergency exit. He drove me in his car, adjusting the air conditioning to a comfortable temperature. Glucose solution and an oxygen tank were still at the ready.

Death loomed over me constantly.

This would likely be my last time sitting contentedly in a car with pleasant air conditioning, taking in the night scenery.

I noticed the stars seemed especially dense lately. The once empty black curtain of sky now appeared rich and colorful, studded with countless stars.

I spotted a red light moving along the horizon – an airplane. I wondered who was returning home to someone who’d been missing them desperately, or who was leaving their hometown to chase a dream.

I savored this rare moment of tranquility. The car stereo played “Heaven”, a song I hadn’t heard in ages. It was my favorite. I first listened to it with Song Chengshu on our high school rooftop. I leaned on his shoulder as we shared a pair of earbuds. I was fretting over college entrance exams, and he gave me the greatest encouragement.

My memories began flooding back, racing through my mind – from when we first met in high school, to when I fell for him but decided to hide my feelings. All the years we spent supporting each other through thick and thin. Even at our lowest point, we once shared a 3.50-yuan pack of instant noodles. I tossed him the chicken leg, pretending I didn’t like it.

Actually, he always had it pretty good. I was the one who suffered.

Song Chengshu was like a dazzling jewel bestowed upon me by heaven amidst my wretched life. No matter how miserable I became, he shone brilliantly before me, urging me to keep moving forward, just a little further.

With his encouragement, I finally reached this stable, comfortable life. Yet the jewel still gleamed as brightly as ever, unable to save this miserable wretch covered in dirt and ashes.

Gazing at the night view outside the window, dotted with lights, as the song played on repeat, my nose began to tingle and tears streamed down my face.

 

34.

Qi An brought me back to my house.

The house felt cold and empty after my absence. A faint dusty smell lingered in the air, though Qi An assured me he’d arranged for regular cleaning, so there shouldn’t be any issues.

As I breathed in the subtle scent of dust, another violent urge to cough seized me. I gripped the sofa for support as I hacked away.

“Wen Li!” Qi An poured me a cup of hot water. I drank it, forcefully suppressing the stabbing pain.

“Are you alright?” Qi An asked. I waved dismissively. “It’s nothing. Come with me to the bedroom.”

He supported me as we made our way to my room.

I took down a box from the shelf. Inside were love letters I’d written for the coming year, each marked with a mailing date. I tied them all together with a ribbon and said to Qi An, “Qi An, these are love letters I’ve written for Song Chengshu for the next year. Please help me mail them to him on schedule, until…” I pulled out the most beautiful envelope from the bottom, addressed “December 31st, I love you”. I handed it to Qi An.

“Until this date. This is the final love letter, and also serves as my will.”

“Of course, if Song Chengshu finds out I’m the one writing these letters before then, please just give all of them to him directly…” My voice caught in my throat. I took a deep breath. Qi An held the stack of letters, his hands trembling. He looked up at me with a bitter expression.

“Wen Li, why do you insist on writing these love letters to him? He still doesn’t know they’re from you.”

I looked at the dried iris petals attached to each letter, tugging the corner of my mouth into a small smile.

“He told me he’s gotten used to receiving them. He’d be sad if they suddenly stopped. I decided to write a year’s worth in advance. A lifetime’s worth wouldn’t be enough now. He’ll figure it out slowly after I’m gone.”

Qi An clenched his jaw, deflating as he said, “Even on your deathbed, you’re still thinking of his feelings. When has he ever considered yours?”

“He has,” I replied. “Song Chengshu has been good to me all these years. It’s just not the kind of goodness between lovers.”

Qi An fell silent, stacking the letters neatly in the corner of the desk. “Alright, I’ll take care of mailing these letters to him from now on. Hopefully, he’ll guess they’re from you once they’re all sent.”

“If he never figures it out, don’t tell him. If he asks, you can let him know,” I gave Qi An my final instructions.

Qi An smiled bitterly at the remaining stationery in the box. He picked up a sheet, teasing, “You’ve written so much for Song Chengshu. Why not write one for me? I can read it at your grave when I visit.”

He seemed to be joking, but I decided to take him seriously.

I pushed Qi An out of the bedroom. He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was writing a letter.

I asked Qi An to wait outside while I finished writing and packaging the letter for him.

The bedroom light was unusually dim, so I turned on my warm desk lamp. I sat at the desk, carefully writing my words to Qi An on the paper.

My letter to Qi An was much more straightforward. Our friendship had always been direct over the years. We both felt it was sincere and helped avoid many conflicts. But in my heart, Qi An had always been a perfect friend. I’d lost my family early on, and both Qi An and Song Chengshu were like family to me.

I sealed the finished letter in an envelope and opened the bedroom door, intending to give it to Qi An. However, he had already fallen asleep on the couch.

I quietly placed the letter on the coffee table, tucking it under his phone.

Qi An had been working and taking care of me lately. I knew he was exhausted, so…

Goodnight, Qi An.

 

35.

After entrusting Qi An with the love letters, I returned to the hospital.

Three days later, Song Chengshu contacted me.

I was looking at photos from a trip with Qi An when Song Chengshu called. My heart tightened as I answered.

His voice was as bright and open as ever, in stark contrast to my listless state.

“Hello! Wen Li! I’m back!” Song Chengshu said. I wanted to respond immediately, but I realized my voice was too hoarse, my throat swollen from coughing.

I cleared my throat carefully, making sure my voice sounded normal before replying with a faint smile.

“I saw your post. Are you done with work now?”

“Yeah, finally finished. It was a lot.” Song Chengshu said, then changed the subject, “Oh right, Wen Li, are you back from your business trip? I brought you a gift. I’ve given everyone else theirs, you’re the only one left.”

Of course, I wasn’t an exception. How could I be the only one getting a gift?

“I got back a couple days ago. I’m on vacation at home now!” I lied.

“Then how about I come over this afternoon to bring you the gift?”

I panicked upon hearing this, quickly glancing at the time. Seeing there was still time, I said, “Well, send me a message before you come. I’ll buy some ingredients to make dumplings for you.”

“Sounds good. It’s been a while since I’ve had your dumplings,” Song Chengshu said lightly.

After hanging up, I felt no joy or excitement about finally seeing Song Chengshu, only worry and nervousness. I feared I might slip up in front of him and he’d discover my illness.

I messaged Qi An: I need to go home tonight to take care of something. You don’t need to come see me.

Then I changed out of my hospital gown into casual clothes and took a taxi home.

Once home, I first took a hot shower to wash away all the medicinal and disinfectant smells. Then I hid all my medications, along with my medical records and the stationery for Song Chengshu’s letters.

I cleaned the entire house inside and out, then sprayed some of the citrus perfume Song Chengshu likes. I bought lots of ingredients, came back to make the dough and filling, preparing to cook one last meal for Song Chengshu.

I’ll make extra this time, so he can take some home to cook for himself.

But I didn’t expect Song Chengshu to bring Gao Xi and the others.

 

36.

I had just finished the dough and was seasoning the filling when the door rang.

I opened it to find Gao Xi carrying some drinks and alcohol, followed by Su Jingxiao and Bai Tao.

“Long time no see!” Gao Xi said. Surprised, I asked, “What are you all doing here?”

“What, not happy to see us?” Bai Tao joked. I shook my head, “Of course not, it’s just Song Chengshu didn’t tell me. If I’d known you were all coming, I wouldn’t have made dumplings. I would’ve prepared a proper meal.”

Su Jingxiao put some beer bottles on the table along with some snacks and said, “What do you take us for? Are we the type to demand a feast? Dumplings are delicious!”

“Exactly, I haven’t tried the combination of beer and dumplings yet!” Gao Xi said eagerly. Bai Tao took off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, and walked to the kitchen. “Just finished? Let’s wrap them together!”

I nodded, “Yes, I just seasoned the filling.”

But I still hadn’t seen Song Chengshu.

“By the way, where’s Song Chengshu?” I asked everyone.

Gao Xi leaned back in his chair and said, “He went to park the car. He should be up soon.”

I sighed in relief and went to the kitchen to make dumplings. Bai Tao was very efficient, and I wasn’t clumsy either. Together, we could usually produce a board full of plump white dumplings in about half an hour.

However, I had only made a few when Song Chengshu came in from outside.

I had left the door open for Song Chengshu. He walked into the living room carrying a box, calling out to me from afar.

“Wen Li! Come quick and see your gift!”

Right! He said he was coming to give me a gift today. I washed my hands and walked over, curiously peering at the somewhat hefty cardboard box.

“What’s this?”

He opened the box mysteriously. I looked inside to see six pots full of thriving purple irises, with three of them in full bloom.

Of course. This was the blooming season for irises. Delighted, I picked up the pot with the most flowers. The soil was rich, and the petals were thick and textured. I couldn’t help but smile.

It had been a long time since I’d smiled so happily. Since learning of my impending death, all joy had been fleeting. Only these six genuine pots of irises truly brought me happiness.

“You really got them for me!” I exclaimed.

Song Chengshu put his hands on his hips like a praised child, saying proudly, “I always keep my promises. I don’t make promises I can’t keep!”

“Thank you, Song Chengshu.” I continued grinning stupidly while holding the flowers. Song Chengshu patted my shoulder and said, “Stop thanking me. We’ve been good brothers for so many years, no need to be so formal.”

I almost forgot – we were just good brothers.

While I was still absorbed in admiring the irises, Song Chengshu secretly took out a small brocade pouch from his pocket. He pressed it into my hand and said quietly, “This is the second gift I brought you. Open it and see.”

I opened the pouch. Inside the red velvet bag was a pair of bluetooth earphones.

These weren’t ordinary earphones. The design was unique and the packaging exquisite. I suddenly remembered complaining to Song Chengshu one night before the new year about my earphones breaking again. The conversation had started with us reminiscing about sharing a pair of earphones to listen to music in high school.

I hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but Song Chengshu had taken it to heart.

“Earphones!” I admired the pale purple earphones, which matched the color of the irises.

Song Chengshu crossed his arms proudly and said, “You mentioned your earphones broke, right? I had a friend custom-make these for you. Since I was working abroad this time, I went directly to pick them up from my friend.”

“What do you think? Do you like them?” Song Chengshu asked. I nodded, “Of course I do.”

Song Chengshu’s mouth twitched with a hint of disdain as he said, “The most annoying was Gao Xi. I got Bai Tao a pair of limited-edition sneakers, and Su Jingxiao a really nice gaming chair. I was going to get Gao Xi a tablet, but he insisted on a laptop. Damn, shipping it back home was such a hassle!”

I knew Song Chengshu had brought gifts for each of them, and I was just one of the recipients. But receiving this gift still made me smile from ear to ear.

“Yours was so convenient. I could just slip it in my pocket and bring it over,” Song Chengshu said.

Then he pulled out the complete metal box for the earphones from his pocket. I looked at the brocade pouch, confused.

“If there’s a box, why put it in a pouch?”

Song Chengshu smirked, “Just to add a bit of mystery!”

Quite mysterious indeed.

I put the earphones back in the box and looked at the flowers in the container, planning to move them to the balcony later after dinner and give them some water.

 

37.

“Wen Li, I can’t wrap all of them by myself. Come back and help me!” Bai Tao called from the kitchen.

I responded, “Coming!”

Song Chengshu called to Gao Xi and Su Jingxiao, “Hey, you two, stop playing games and come help!”

Gao Xi pouted, “Do we even know how?”

Song Chengshu slapped Gao Xi’s shoulder, “Can’t you roll out dumpling wrappers? Stop making excuses!”

Bai Tao and I stood in the kitchen wrapping dumplings. He had already filled half a plate, and with my added speed, we quickly filled the first plate.

Song Chengshu brought another bowl of filling to the table, letting Gao Xi and Su Jingxiao help roll out the wrappers while he clumsily tried to wrap some. I taught Song Chengshu how to make dumplings. Though not as pretty as mine, at least they wouldn’t fall apart in the pot.

“Wen Li, why did you make so much filling?” Song Chengshu asked from the dining room.

I placed the wrapped dumplings on a nearby shelf and said to them, “I wanted to make extra so you could each take some home to cook yourselves. Otherwise, you might never get to eat them again.”

“What do you mean? We can always get together again if we want to eat them! How could we never eat them again?” Gao Xi said from the side. I realized my words might have sounded off, so I quickly covered.

“With work being so busy, it’s hard to find time to make them.”

Su Jingxiao nodded in agreement, “Yeah, who knows when we’ll be able to get together again. I have another business trip in a couple of days. It’s so annoying!”

Chatting like this, with the five of us working together, we soon finished wrapping five plates of dumplings.

The five of us could probably eat just over two plates. I roughly counted the dumplings, confirming it was about right. We had used up almost all the filling too. Bai Tao had already enthusiastically started boiling water.

After bustling about for nearly another half hour, four plates of plump white dumplings were served on the table.

Gao Xi opened three bottles of beer in one go, pouring a glass for each of us. The four of them raised their glasses, but I hesitated.

I was debating whether I should drink. The doctor had warned me that if I wanted to live a few days longer, I should avoid smoking, alcohol, and spicy or stimulating foods. But seeing everyone so excited, I didn’t want to dampen their spirits.

This might be our last gathering.

“Wen Li, why aren’t you joining in?” Song Chengshu asked. I snapped back to reality, forcing myself to pick up the glass. Looking at the clear, bubbling liquid, I steeled myself and resolutely raised my glass.

“Come on! Let’s drink! We’re not leaving until we’re drunk tonight!”

“Yes, yes! We’re not leaving until we’re drunk!” they all cheered together.

Watching the four of them drain their glasses with satisfied smiles, I suppressed my physical discomfort and finished my glass as well.

<< ILL Chapter 05ILL Chapter 07 >>